Author Topic: THE REAL USE OF WORKSHOP TOOLS  (Read 2290 times)

Offline Pantheus

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THE REAL USE OF WORKSHOP TOOLS
« on: February 25, 2007, 12:03:40 PM »
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its' course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch....."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup..

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a Drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, its' main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battles of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is some-what misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 50 years ago by someone in Meridian, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50ยข part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 " too short.

DIE GRINDER: See hacksaw. Channels energy from the crooked, random motion of air molecules to the crooked, random motion of a cutoff wheel. Good for cutting a slot in the sheet metal adjacent to the bolt head you were trying to cut a slot in because the vise grips made a mess of things and you wanted to give the bfs a chance.

JB WELD: The vise grips of adhesive. Good for epoxying the part you repaired the crack in to the bench. Attempted removal will result in breaking the part in half, leaving one half of it adhered to the bench.

Found and stolen from somewhere.

Ken
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Offline chicomecha

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Re: THE REAL USE OF WORKSHOP TOOLS
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2007, 04:50:21 PM »
That was one of the funniest things I have ever read.  I don't remember laughing so hard in a long time.  How true.
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Offline Sar 450

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Re: THE REAL USE OF WORKSHOP TOOLS
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2007, 10:12:37 AM »
Some of those are so very true.